Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Maybe I can be a bit honest with things....

So yes, theres some things people will be surprised to find out about me and well its about time I tell people a few of them.

Im shy soooooo Shy
At college im the confident guy thats making joking cheering people up been witty and sarcastic, but really, its a front. A scared front that people might one day find out this side of me, and Im scared that if i show people it I might be treated differently. So i'll keep doing this until I find confidence and right now I dont know where thats going to come from, but ill keep you updated.

I worry about everything and anything.
I cant help myself if someone tells me something ill worry about them subconsciously all day and night, at the moment ive been speaking to lots of different people about times there going through and now im worrying about all of them from my sister to someone in american I've not known for very long.

Ive had to quit counselling.
I know exactly what your thinking 'Ben/Benjy' was recieveing counselling! Wrong

I gave it out, to teenagers and adults going through difficult times with family and friends husbands wifes boyfriends and girlfriends, through an independant company which ill keep unnamed that you can only get to through childline connections careers and other adult and teensites. I did it unpaid for 2 and abit years now. And this week. I stopped.
Why? because i was getting confronted with people who were me. And when you see yourself through someone else you have to get out sooner rather than later. And I got scared. Simple as that. Nobody knew this until you people that just read it seconds ago. Keep it quiet :)

I consider leaving Youtube everyday and deleting my account and all the people I know from it, getting rid of facebook and whatever else so I cant be tracked even getting a new phone so I cant be found. Why because in the back of my mind and all around the inside of my head I can't figure out what im looking for in life, and Youtube sometimes is a barrier to that and its hard to explain what i mean. One day ill talk in full extent of that. If i deleted everything. This is the only thing that would remain.
The reason I never delete it and forget about it, because of the people I know from it and

Im still not over losing my Grandpa, and everyone thinks I am, im still not over losing my Grandad, I lost one when i was 1 and the other when i was 17 and that means nothing the distance between doesnt mean I missing one more than the other. I want to be in the same room as them both one more time. Because to my knowledge i never have been, and I always tell people only my Grandpa's died and effected me, but losing my Grandad as hurt me forever and everytime I even think or talk about him I just cry, im talking to my girlfriend on msn now, and im crying i dont even think she can tell and i dont dare click to open the convo as i dont want to see myself cry. I miss them so much. Helpless.

I've lived a secret life for a year and a half. I cant tell anyone about it and dont dare.
Im to scared and have to much to risk.
I cant believe ive ever posted this much to the world. But i guess its to late now, i never delete what i want to say in this. I dont even know who reads this, ive no idea. I dont if one person checks it every 2 weeks or people are checking back everyday.

To some people this blog wont have made sense to them and they'll be thinking HOW? WHEN? HOW? WHEN? WHAT?

And lets just say im good at keeping secrets.


I have to go x

1 comment:

grapefruitgeorgie said...

dear ben, i love you.
the end ^_____^